Everything is experimentation.
Dear person I hate, I’ll try my best to be see you in the eyes of your best friend.
Dear person I like, you’re something different.
Dear ex boyfriend, it was (kinda) fun while it lasted.
Dear ex girlfriend, I’m yet to meet you.
Dear ex bestfriend, we grew apart, we changed, we moved on.
Dear bestfriend, you’re the strangest & best person I know.
Dear Santa, thanks!
Dear Mom, I love you.
Dear Dad, I love you.
Dear future me, smile! Life may have its dips, but if you squint your eyes, you’re always going up.
Dear past me, things always heal.
Dear person I’m jealous of, you’re like a magnet, you’re lovely.
Dear person I had a crush on, we shouldn’t have.
Dear [future] girlfriend, I’m new.
Dear [future] boyfriend, wear eyeliner?
Dear *anyone*, have a great week. ;-)
This weekend I bought a little ‘worries book’. It’s got little handmade dolls on it, and on the back there’s a story about how the Guatemalans believe if you tell these dolls your worries, they will help to take them away.
I’m desperate to put something in it, to make it mine, but I have a problem. I can’t tell myself that any of my worries are worthy of writing down. Are they really worries? Or lifelong questions? Aren’t there people all over the world with things that are really worth worrying about? Why are my worries worth anything?
Will writing these things down, make them more real?
There’s something my mother would tell me whenever I would worry, that her mother told her. She would ask ‘will worrying change the outcome of anything?' Obviously, the immediate reaction is to, mid-breakdown, sob yes through worried tears. But when it gets down to it, of course nothing will be changed. Putting one's self through the emotional strain of worrying is unnecessary and upsetting.
So that brings me back round, should I really just write things down, get them out of my head, however minimal, however short term, however long term, however real or unreal? Or will that in itself make me worry more, when I’m not really even a worrier?
Walking and Talking
School, Devizes, Russians, wobbly camera!
I feel both trapped and protected by school. On the one hand, I can’t wait to have finished with endless, pointless, tasks set in order to attempt to ‘teach’ us something useless in real life, that has been simplified so profusely that it has little meaning anyway. However, once I am free of school, what am I going to do? Will I have enough money to ‘live my own life’ without the assistance of my parents? Will I go to university? Will I travel, with a friend at my side and a guitar on back? Will I grow my hair out, only to shave it, as a way of realeasing a time, an age?
Wake up, eat, listen, work, eat, sleep. That’s my day. Sure, I’m content, but I crave variation and even change, and I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to continue convincing myself that I am content with what I’m doing.
Ramble ramble, uncertainty uncertainty.
Intricate, creative, open.
I am indeed at boarding school, and I prefer it immensely to normal school.
Not only do you get to hang out with your friends whenever you want, you don’t have to dress up all the time, because, well you can’t. Not all the time. Everyone understands that, so getting to know people that know you when you look your best, but also when you’ve just crawled out of bed and dragged yourself to breakfast without having looked in the mirror, is pretty cool.
I’m feeling quite dark as of recent.
I don’t know why, there could be a number of reasons, girl stuff ( ;-) ew), the possibility that I’ve just lost/abandoned my best friend, I’m swamped by work and have difficulty finding the time to be creative.
I’m in the place I supposedly love the most, with the people I adore and yearn to see, learning the things I know are vital. But I feel alone, betrayed, confused, and emotional. I’ve been avoiding realising this, but it’s gotten too far, too deep, like a wound kept hidden and consequently getting worse.
Becoming a hermit, doing my work, this is my new plan, although I doubt it will make me feel myself again, more likely I’ll get the grades, but not the effort. No teacher wants a miserable, quiet student, sagging in the front row.
I can keep smiling, but you’ve all noticed, it’s not as bright, I’m not as alive. And you all keep telling me.
Talking to people you don’t know in passing gives you a feeling that you (or at least I,) can’t find elsewhere. An example?
Today I saw a boy at my school (several years below me) looking lost/upset/confused. His eyes were worried and he had his hand on his head/face in distraught. He saw me looking at him, and his expression didn’t change, so I asked him if he was okay.* He said yes, and I didn’t want to be a burden, so I carried on walking. I then walked around the corner, and I cut the corner - it’s just a pathway that goes around a bush - and a girl the same age as the boy nearly walked around me before I swerved around her. I say she was walking into me, it was me into her as I cut the corner. She quickly apologised, so in the same upbeat voice I told her it was fine.
These two meetings were in the space of a minute, and as I continued to walk to my house, with my numerous school folders in my arms and new shoes choking my feet, I smiled, I felt something. Not felt as in some kind of epiphanous (is that a word?) happening, but in the way that it was meant to happen, to teach me something.
Talking to people, showing concern, relieving an anxiety, even if you don’t know them - especially if you don’t know them, might just make their day.
Or, you might just scare them. ;-)
*Never before asked someone I don’t know this out of genuine concern.